Modern men are WEAKLINGS!

Disclaimer: The following is an advertisement on behalf of my husband, Mr. Whitford.

From the beginning of time, men were robust and built to LAST. Adam, the very first man, lived to the ripe old age of 930! Through the years, thanks to sin and the increased liberalism that brings, lifespans got shorter. Now it takes a miracle from God for anyone to live to even 100.
But it's not just a shorter life all this namby pambyism has wrought. Men are PHYSICALLY WEAKER, mere shadows of their former selves!

Judges 14:5-6 Then went Samson down, and his father and his mother, to Timnath, and came to the vineyards of Timnath: and, behold, a young lion roared against him.
And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid, and he had nothing in his hand: but he told not his father or his mother what he had done.

Yes, it's unfair to compare the strength of any man to that of Samson, especially when the Spirit of the LORD comes mightily upon him, so it wouldn't be right to expect any man to be able to rend a lion. BUT BEING ABLE TO REND A KID (baby goat) WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS ONCE CONSIDERED COMPARATIVELY EASY!
How many of today's sissified men can TEAR A GOAT APART WITH THEIR BARE HANDS?!!?
Horror at this realization has prompted my husband, Mr. Whitford, to announce his new business venture: a new BIBLICALLY CORRECT gymnasium for MEN ONLY... The Taut Christian.
Gone will be the useless free weights and treadmills that populate today's liberal atheist gyms. Instead, this facility will concentrate on building muscle through prayer and True Christian fellowship.

1 Timothy 4:8 For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come.

After working up a good sweat from wrestling with the demons that have weakened modern gentlemen, members will then be provided with discounted bottles of Mr. Whitford's new sports drink - Alligatorwine.

1 Timothy 5:23 Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities.

The Taut Christian will accept early membership enrollment starting Monday, August 9th, with its Grand Opening on Wednesday, September 8th.
Free samples of Alligatorwine will be made available after church tomorrow, Sunday August 8th, and will be given out every Sunday until the gymnasium opens. After that, it will only be available at The Taut Christian until a rollout throughout select stores starting February 2011. (All dates depending on if the Final Trumpet doesn't sound first.)

BP has plugged the leak! The free market and prayer WORKS!

PRAISE JESUS! BP has PLUGGED THE LEAK! And they would likely have done it sooner if it weren't for all the unnecessary regulations and DEMONcrats in government goosestepping their commie jackboots all over the poor, besieged corporation.
You see, hippies, if you let the FREE MARKET do its job unhindered, couple it with PRAYER, and THINGS GET DONE!
My heart goes out to BP. They've had to deal with tree-huggers smearing them and B. Hussein Obama orchestrating a government shakedown, keeping them from DOING REAL WORK and hurting the pocketbooks of innocent, hardworking investers. Perhaps now BP's CEO Tony Hayward can finally get his life back instead of being constantly pestered by the lame stream media.
What's with all the crying over a little oil (a natural substance created by GOD!) in the Gulf of Mexico anyway? WE'RE IN END TIMES! Any minute now the trumpet will sound, TRUE CHRISTIANS will be RAPTURED away, and CHRIST WILL RETURN! If the world is a tiny bit dirty, THAT'S ALRIGHT! Whining about the future makes you look ridiculous because there isn't much future left for the world.
Providing the Rapture hasn't happened yet, I'm really looking forward to November. AMERICA IS WAKING UP and the commies are going to be thrown out and we'll finally get good people like Rep. Joe Barton (President Joe Barton? Think about it!) in positions of power to ensure that our corporations can continue to do what they do best - putting people to WORK and ensuring that Grandpa and Grandma Normal American's retirement investments continue to provide!
VOTE REPUBLICAN!